Restrooms
Every man shall be comfortable with his pubic nudity and appreciate the need Conduct Attendant : A Man should tip the guy who hands you towels, and make appropriate conversation with him. A Man should NOT buy any of the colognes or body sprays he is peddling. Seat Up : Always. Even after dropping logs. Talking : This is only allowed in the circumstances of all men in a conversation being in the same situation, ie all stood at urinal or all waiting to get a urinal, should a change in status occur for any member of the conversation, that man must leave the conversation immediately. If a conversation is taking place at a urinal all men must face forwards and stare at the wall in front of them, nowhere else. Silence must be observed at all times whilst in a cubicle, groans are allowed however. Note: If the conversation takes place at the urinals, and ends in mutual agreement, never offer to "shake on it". Shit Buddy : An exception to the above rule. When two men are taking dumps in the stalls next to each other and they are conversing about their shits. Unless both men know each other, and are in the stalls shitting, then they may not have a conversation. Urinals Eye position : Eyes forward at the urinal, Susie. There's no reason to be looking around in the men's room. Get in, do your business, and get out. Looking straight down at your own johnson is permissible, especially when aiming for things inside the urinal. You can also look up, but that just looks stupid. Splash Zone (One man Rule) : No Man shall occupy a urinal immediately adjacent to another Man. If there are no suitable urinals, a line shall be formed. Bathrooms in sports stadiums are an exception, where all urinals are fully occupied (and usually accompanied by long lines for each) but not separated by walls. Two Jiggle Rule : If you jiggle more than twice, you're playing with it. Urinate Standing : A man shall not urinate sitting down unless also dropping logs. The ability to stand upright is what separates man from ape. To urinate in any other position is primitive. Flinging feces is also frowned upon. Urinal Challenge Height : Often a coming of age for men, how high a man can aim up the urinal is often a sign of how much of a man he is. Urination Time : Any man standing beside another man at a urinal has automatically engaged himself in combat. The challenge is to urinate for the longest period. No man shall cheer or celebrate winning a pee-challenge; the combat, like other things in the restroom are silent. Stalls Stall to Urinal Conversion : For expediency at busy bars and nightclubs, it is conventional to convert a stall to a urinal. This conversion is symbolized by a generous spraying of urine all over the toilet and sometimes the rest of the stall. Loud Shit Noises : Loud shit noises (squirts, ass flapping, etc.) shall be covered up by coughing, sneezing, or banging your fist on the stall. You will gain extra man cards if you scream or grunt loudly while dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl. Flush when you're done, Nancy.